"Of or pertaining to the practices and institutions that legitimize and privilege heterosexuality, heterosexual relationships, and traditional gender roles as fundamental and "natural" within society." ~ http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/heteronormativeWe got that out of the way so let me tell you about me as a child.
Also if you want to hear a long story about my triumphant coming out of the closet and telling everyone “I’m not ashamed to be gay!” I’m afraid you’ll be sadly disappointed - I wasn’t out of the closet until well after high school.
I just want people to know what it was like to be me as a kid.
My first remembered crush was on a girl who we’ll call her JM - I don’t remember her very well except she rejected my incredibly creepy sexist advances. Once she rejected me to many times my tune changed - suddenly she was an ugly bitch undeserving of human kindness. Of course that’s good ol’ fashioned sexism right there - she owed me cause I was a guy so not giving me what I want must be something worth hating her over… (I wish I could apologize to her, although I doubt she remembers me.)
Except… I didn’t want her. My crush was entirely based on what I had seen on TV, from classmates, from games, and even from family. I was told it was time for boys to start getting crushes on girls. In fact I didn’t know what that meant - I knew a lot of guys on TV liked the ladies and I was familiar with that… except it wasn’t directed at the ladies.
So of course I assumed I was doing something wrong and quickly attached myself to a women who I thought was cute.
The TV hadn’t mentioned gay or bisexual people to me, my school hadn’t mentioned gay or bisexual people to me, my games all featured male/female couples, and my parents sure as hell hadn’t mentioned gay or bisexual people to me.
I wish they had because I hated myself. I wasn’t acting right! Guys don't like guys that way! What the hell was wrong with me?
I did eventually start hearing the g-word, but it wasn’t in a pleasant or educational light. I was always kind of feminine acting and I sucked at sports - therefore some of the kids felt it right to say I was gay or a cocksucker. Even my brothers did so. It was the ultimate insult to masculinity after all.
And when I did get a teacher they told the students to stop insulting me (when they bothered to do anything at all) because that’s what being gay was and still is to a lot of people - an insult. The teachers played right into the hands of the students - they encouraged the idea that being gay was insulting and degrading. Only someone less than human would ever be interested in someone of the same gender.
Same in high school although by then I stopped trying to get along with people at all. I did everything I could to push everyone away so I wouldn’t have to be called gay or be insulted anymore. I was still bullied from time to time, but for the most part I was just ignored. I won't even get into all my sexual repression - it wasn't pretty.
I only stopped being ashamed of myself when I accidentally stumbled upon information about homosexuality and bisexuality. I realized I was bi with a heavy leaning towards men (I usually just say I‘m gay). I felt free… but also scared. For years being gay was the worst possible thing ever… so I stayed in my closet. It was safer there…
Obviously I came out eventually - very slowly. First I told my best friend - then my eldest brother… and I stopped again for a few years.
I’m out and proud now, but for a long time I hated myself. Sometimes I still do hate myself - albeit for other reasons.
Your kids could easily be gay or bi (or even transsexual, but I’m not transsexual so I won’t feign imagining what that must be like), we don’t become gay as adults. We sit there wallowing in our closets hate ourselves… or at least I did.
I wish I had something or someone to tell me what being gay or bi was., maybe then I wouldn’t have wallowed in that closet for so long letting the hate fester. Maybe I would still hate myself, but at least I wouldn't have to look in the mirror every morning and say -
“It’s okay that your gay, it’s okay”.
Because that’s the price I am forced to pay for living in a Heteronormative society. I can’t change the fact that I’m not straight - I’ve tried to force it and it just leaves me hurting so I‘ll keep paying that price because it‘s better than living a lie.
So repeat after me - “It’s okay that your gay, it’s okay” and consider it a down payment on the rest of your life. It'll be the first hurdle kids, but it'll probably be the hardest.
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